this post was made by the americans

 what the hell is a kilometer 🔥🔥🔥 🗣️🗣️🗣️

ayo look what we found on hitler’s computer yall check this out

It’s over. It’s all over.

I knew I shouldn’t have butted up with those reds. That Stalin guy has a funny looking moustache. Worse looking than mine, certainly, my dear Eva would agree. They’re all dickheads, the absolute wurst human beings. I’m surprised I can still crack jokes, even moments away from certain defeat. The Allies’ troops have breached the Berlin Wall. This will be the last post in a while, if not THE last post.

I had a good run, didn’t I? Started from the bottom now we here. Below ground. In an underground bunker.

It’s over, isn’t it? There’s really nothing else I can do? I tried man, I tried. Those damned communists didn’t even win, I guess. We outlast them by a few months. 

I’ll cook up one last plan to push against them but I think this is it.

It’s over. Es ist aus.

The Final Stand Against Enemies of the State!

So… It has come to this… The World against the thriving nation of Germany. I gotta say, the preparations we made after violating those sickening treaties really held up in our offensive against the Allied forces. But that’s not the main topic for this blogeintrag, I want to talk first about our scientific advances towards Eugenics as well as our purge on the Jewish populations of Germany. You know, the norms.

If you have read my book (if you haven’t, you’re not Aryan, period), Mein Kampf, you are well aware at this point that I am not fond of those Jewish individuals. I have always proposed the idea that the Jewish race has dirtied the innate purity and supremacy of our Aryan blood. Thus, I officially introduce to you my Final Solution, the method I would use to clean our slate for the genetic success of our nation’s succeeding generations for good, the… Let’s just say… Cleansing of the Jews.

Leading the operations is my loving Schutzstaffel, managed by my best-friend-for-life, Heinrich Himmler. He’s done a great job of managing the operations so far, reportedly “cleansing” a couple millions of Jews in our work camps, which were made up - by me - to alleviate unemployment in Germany, of course. That’s, like, even more effective than bug spray. Only a few millions more to go to completely rid this world of them. I’d say that’s good progress.

On the frontlines, the war is proceeding… well enough. Things have taken an interesting turn, to say the least, as the Allies are doing a few things that admittedly lie beyond my calculations. Not to fear though, I don’t think we’ll lose. We’ll bounce back at them with my tactical warfare genius, as well as the might of the Aryan race. We’re unstoppable… right?

Gotcha, Europe!

After my stunningly charming speech, they would’ve had no idea what was coming. And I was right! Britain, France; actually pretty much everyone; did nothing against Germany taking up some Lebensraum in the sweet, sweet land of Austria. We moved all the way to Czechoslovakia before they ever said anything.
You’re probably dying to ask me what happened on that night in June 1934, to which I say: I have no clue! A bunch of people, most of whom were coincidentally-mostly former Sturmabteilung and conveniently some of my more problematic party members, turned up dead, but I have no idea why. I’ve personally looked into it, and investigated the cause, but we could not figure out who or what did this. I’ve even investigated our own internal forces, but found no wrongdoing either. My apologies for the failure, but there are more important matters at hand. Namely, the Jews.

I did some research on the Jews today compared to an average upstanding pure-
blooded Aryan. Everything about it seems to point towards the fact that they’re inferior to us in every way. I mean, just look at them; They have giant noses, they have weird coloured hair, they move their hands a lot when they speak, so many weird and bad things about a Jew that an Aryan is simply better at. 

You see, I’m cooking up a thought. What if, and this might sound a bit crazy, what if we attributed the rise of communism to the rise of the Jews? I mean, think about it. They’re greedy, aren’t they? They want to take everything from the German people to share amongst themselves and themselves only. They steal jobs from the economy that would have otherwise belonged to German people. How do I go about this though, you may be wondering? It’s simple.

I’ll publish my research to the German people in the form of easily-digestible infographics, such as these. Look at these beautiful posters that we’ll put up across the cities:

I especially like that last one. Really highlights how the Jewish people are the true tumour of this nation, and the main cause of why our country’s still not as great as I’d like for it to be. We’ll solve that problem in time.

P/S: We may be all buddy-buddy with Italy and Russia for now, until we finish invading Poland. Shouldn’t take that long, but these guys are unbearable.

UPDATE - Hindenburg is DEAD! I AM NOW YOUR FUHRER.

YOU READ THAT RIGHT MEIN JUNGE, I AM NOW YOUR FATHER (assuming you’re German, of course), AND I PLAN ON MAKING IT RIGHT FOR THE PROLIFERATION OF THE ARYAN RACE.

Much like last time, a lot has changed since my last post. If you’re too lazy to read (Are you really even truly Aryan if you do that?), let me summarise it for you: Hindenburg so sadly passed away, I rule Germany now, and the commies are finally getting what they deserve!

It was that fateful day on August 2nd, 1934 when that old geezer Hindenburg kicked the bucket. Of course, I immediately realised the opportunity and made it so that both the president and chancellor were merged into a single entity, the Führer. To say the least, I appreciate my well-deserved rise to power. Mein book helped with that, no doubt. The sales were crazy, man; Bestseller in Germany! My excellence surprises me sometimes, to be perfectly honest with you.

The passing of that Enabling Act last year did wonders to our party! The union of the Nazi party with the old German establishment led by Hindenburg was everything this party needed in order to crush those reds (I’m still not happy about the Reichstag). And now that Hindenburg is dead, I will lead Germany into an age where the Aryan race will lead the nation. Nazism is at its peak now, and nothing’s stopping it as long as I’m in charge.

Anyways, we created the Nuremberg Laws, allowing you to legally discriminate against Jewish and Communists. You’ve got me to thank for that. And much like a parent to a disobedient rascal of a child, I condemn them for Germany’s downfall. My people are devising a plan to strike an offensive on those Jews, don’t tell anyone though, LOL… Jokes aside, you really shouldn’t, unless you want the Gestapo knocking on your door, we wouldn’t want any pure Aryans to fall from grace. If you’re not Aryan, feel free to frolic around with this knowledge and earn a guaranteed, one-way trip to.. Let’s just say, somewhere where you will contribute to Germany’s economy.

It also has come to my attention that there are some criticisms of the Nazi rule in the form of books and the like. I assure you, my dear Aryan readers, that such indoctrination against the  most wondrous Nazi party will be burned within the following weeks of this post’s publication. You don’t need to read those awful texts, my good Aryan, you are better than that. Those were the ideas that led Germany into a dung-infested nation back then anyway. 

This is only one of the better ways of ensuring the cohesive power of our regime. I believe without this… perhaps intrusive way of dealing things out, the Third Reich wouldn't last as long as I’ve wanted it to. We wouldn’t want Germany to fall now, would we?

If I sound menacing in this post, das tut mir leid. Please understand that I only want what’s best for Germany. Believe in me, my junge, our Nation’s greatness is on its way! Keep at it my Aryan children.

I bid my farewell once more. Gute Nacht! 

The Damn Commies are At It Again!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Look who was appointed chancellor: Me, of course. You’ve probably seen the news already. My face is plastered all over it. Took Hindenburg long enough to choose me as chancellor after hearing the people scream for long enough.

A lot has happened in the months after my previous post, so I should probably catch you up on it, as well as to let you know what’s happening next, because it’s big. They’ll never see it coming, those damn reds.

Yesterday, a fire broke out at the Reichstag. We’ve evaluated the cause of the fire, and it seems to be that someone set fire to the building, deliberately. Now, we don’t exactly know who did it, but me and my peers have discussed this through and have decided to blame the Communists trying to stage a violent overthrow of the government, because that’s what they would do, I just know it. And hey, it helps me further my position as a leader too, so that’s that. 

I’m trying to convince President Hindenburg of this obvious fact. I mean, who else to blame other than those hammering and sickling bastards? Imagine pooling together your resources to feed someone who’s not even going to put any in. Not to mention the guy leading this movement has a beard that looks dirty as hell. Pffsh.

I’m proposing a decree, kind of like the one I posted a few weeks back, just to ensure the safety of myself and my party. I’m going to ask to suspend all activities that can be a threat: We’ll stop people from rallying and talking about this issue at all. We’ll get the police going while we’re at it too, and they’ll be able to arrest anyone that's a suspect. You know, just to be safe. 

I’ll also take this chance to somewhat push my agenda of how a nation should be run. Germany shouldn’t be this weak entity, it should be a strong, powerful force that has the world in the palm of its hand. Surely the people will see what I’m leading the country towards. The Thousand-Year Reich.

 

Guess who’s back? (also got arrested, that’s whatever)

 

Look familiar? No? Well, that’s where I was for like 9 months. I was supposed to be there for 5 years, but I was a good junge and they let me go early. I bet the communists had a role in this. They’re the type of people who would keep a person of my excellence in such a dump of a place. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I WROTE A BOOK! Mein Kampf (I just know this will be a bestseller later on). My struggles are outlined in that wonderful piece of literature, which I wrote throughout my valiant strides as I tolerate jail. My jailmates read and thoroughly enjoyed the book. I’m honestly flattered, but I expected it to be honest.

Perhaps I should introduce mein book. It details my political ideology, that being focused on the foundations of a “master race,” or as I call it, the Aryan race, descendants to the most superior specimen of mankind. I believe in the notion of common blood as the nation’s true unifying force. Anything that would threaten the purity of German blood is what I consider a threat to the nation’s integrity as a whole. And what better way to make that point across is by incessant blaming of the Jews and communists, right?! They are to blame for Germany’s fall from absolute power! It’s essential anyway, it diverts any negative attention to those disgusting creatures, ensuring our power and control over Germany’s inner workings - without much public dissent - as soon as we rise to power. And by we, I refer to my most wondrous party, the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei. Yeah, I know, it’s a mouthful, so for convenience sake, I will call it the Nazi party from now on. Anyhoo, alongside this book, my efforts will mark the start of Germany’s rise to its former glory!

These are exciting times we live in. We draw nearer towards our nationwide leadership! Watch me fulfil what Germany needs the most! Here’s to Lebensraum! Tschüß!

(BUY MY BOOK PLEASE)

I was sent to the frontline - What now?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s a long story, what happened between now and the last post I made, but let me give you a quick rundown of what had happened to me and the world, should you be reading this in the far future.

Let’s begin with the basics. I moved to Germany in 1913, to Munich in particular. I begged the Bavarian king to let me join the war, and I was totally not surprised at all when he let me join, not at all, nonono. 

Anyways, by next year’s October, I was sent to Belgium, won 2 medals INCLUDING the revered Iron Cross First Class. Cool, right?

Looks super cool, right? I’m wearing this until the day I die, I swear to God.

The war took quite a toll on me though. I was shot, I was blinded, they did damn near everything to me, but I survived, God damn it, I did. 1918, I was almost out of the hospital when I was hit with some whiplash: Germany lost the war. I couldn’t believe it, still can’t. This can’t be because the enemies were too strong, no.

I believe it’s a systematic issue. There’s absolutely no way Great Republic of Germany lost and now literally has to bear everything that the war cost. Why would they sign the treaty knowing those terms? This country’s flawed. The people leading it are not fit to save us from this crisis. They’ve got us into this mess in the first place. I’m doing something about this, just you wait. I will be the one to lead Germany back into greatness. I’m making Germany great again.

A new outlook

After being rejected from my dreams of being a fine artist (of which I am still not over, BTW.) I’ve been oddly into politics these days. What with the rumours of war going on between the old men of the European countries. I’ve heard even the U.S., who seems to always butt their noses into things, is going to tap out of this nonsensical war. Anyways, it’s rather bothersome because I can’t really focus on what I need to do. Not that there’s much of it but…

I’ve read up on some basic knowledge about ideologies and how nations run; like I said, there’s nothing better to do while I’m out here all alone in Vienna anyways; and I think I’ve got the gist of it. I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but the way the world’s run right now, I think it’s flawed. I think I know a better way to run this place, and it’s going to improve things for everyone in the long run. I think. Wish me luck :)

Life Update - I failed art school (and my parents are dead) :(

Scheiße, perhaps pursuing my visions of becoming an artist, has gone down the drain. THEY CALLED MY WORK “unsatisfactory,” CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!? What do I now? You know, I’ve always thought of making money out of this, perhaps I should sell my works. Make landscapes of scenic places in Vienna or something like that. Yeah, I guess that sounds good as a source of income. I’m putting my focus on this venture, especially since my parents are dead. I prefer this over following my dad’s ambitions for me to become a civil servant anyway.

My Dreams

I don’t really know what to write, and I'm kind of new to this internet thing, so let’s just start with the basics of who I am, I guess.

My name’s Adolf Hitler, born on April 20th 1889 (yeah I’m an ‘89 boy). Still a strapping young lad.

As a child, I’ve always wanted to grow up to be a great person. Like an influential person, you know? People call me a creative kid: I’m inclined to believe them. I like drawing a lot. I like the colour red a lot. And this symbol called a “hakenkreuz,” looks kind of like a twisted cross-kind of shape. I don’t know what it means, apparently something like ‘prosperity’? It’s satisfying to draw though, just a couple of lines and you’ve got a funny looking shape. It’s like my own personal “cool S” if you know what I’m talking about.

Anyways, that’s it for my first blogpost. What do they say, “hallo world?” Ah, I know. 

Auf wiedersehen!